thought

dreams
July 25, 2004

I'm kinda drunk right now. It's 3:12am. Been thinking about how many people there are on the planet.

I used to work with deranged encyclopedia guy. Sharing quips would turn into spontaneous 6 hour long conversations. He weaved arcane Middle-Eastern politics with comic books and how I feel all confused in my life. I'd bounce there, screwing up my face and trying to keep up. Several times he told me about road tripping across Iran and crashing in a thousand-year-old hotel which was basically a cave with sleeping ledges. I like the mental image. I mostly just like the desert.

Before he started doing too much speed, he told me that first-worlders are aristocrats. We don't have to think too hard about base survival, so we have all this free time and resources to pursue the arts, music and esoteric intellectual topics.

I agree.

But so many believe they are special. So many believe they have something unique to share. The chances to reproduce are fleeting. Mortality is a sponge slowly soaking and expanding in my subconscious. So many want something that makes them last after they're gone. It feels mostly like deadend despair. Makes us try to find a perfect mate, or try to find a perfect way to express one goddamned thing over and over and over again.

And I'm thinking of circadian rhythms and that French guy who held the sun away for 6 months. He lived in a cave... wanted to see if he knew night and day. So sad when he accidentally killed the mouse he was trying to befriend. I don't think he killed himself in the end, but he was close.

It's late. And I am singing along with my cd. Voice is hoarse. Cycles feel like binary which feels linear which feels like the same all over again. The people who study happiness say it lies in children. Maybe it's the perfect system. A cat cleans its kittens. But I really want to figure something out before I hand it off... don't wanna participate in a relay race that never ends.